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01 July 2006 @ 10:17 am

This is just a shameless "lets have River make Jayne horny on accident" chapter
I know, I know, I have no soul ^.^
But either way, I hope you enjoy it at least a little bit! ^o^
Comments = My anti-drug 

"Stop it! Leave me alone!"
"Kotoko, please stay still. Stay here. Please!"
Kaylee walked into the infirmary, her new favorite place on the ship. It was her new favorite place because there was almost always a certainty that Simon would be there. She watched him as he tried his hardest to tame the persocom with the terrible attitude. She saw as things fell and Simon shook his hand after Kotoko bit him. Kaylee chuckled under her breath. Wash and Zoe sauntered up behind her, the same amused faces as they watched the spectacle as well.
"Looks like she's winning," Wash said laughing.
Simon didn't think it was so funny, he looked over at the newly packed group over by the door. His face was that of one in distress. That face would have allowed a kind of pity - if not for the sudden stab of a long wooden popsicle stick in the little hand of Kotoko.
"Attack!" she bellowed out.
They all laughed and Simon yanked the stick out of her hand and tossed it across the counter.
Her tiny pink tongue was exposed to Simon with a following upturned chin.
"She's a lively one," Wash
"Hush up Mr.Discount-Hawaiian-Shirt," Kotoko spat.
"Hey now little one, don't be dissin' the shirts. You might make me cry."
"You are an idiot," Kotoko sneered. Then the looked to Zoe with a glare.
"Did you hear what she called me Zoe?"
"I did, dear."
Kotoko and Zoe were staring each other down, arms crossed. Death stare. Eyes intent on one another. Kotoko's lip twitched and Zoe's brow lifted. Simon could almost see their laser-vision.
"Got a problem there shortstack?" Zoe asked.
"You killed my owner."
"He deserved it."
"That is not for you to determine."
"My gun thinks differently."
"The back of his head disagrees."
"And I care why?"
"I can hurt you and your little floral shirted spouse."
Zoe looked a little worried, and a little amused. Wash looked down at his shirt. Flowers. She was right. Then he looked at Zoe - who was still staring down her robotic nemesis.
"Sweetheart, can we go shopping for more shirts? I need more shirts with those little hawaiian guitars on them. Less with flowers."
"Good thinking Wash," came Mal's voice from the door. They all looked over, even the little purple-haired evil one.
"Well now captain, I didn't know you were the sponsor to the guitar-shirt buying club. My hero!"
Wash held out his arms like he wanted a hug and Mal held up a hand to silence him and his need for affection.
"Not for you. For River. Last time I saw her she was folding up Kaylee's dress and returning it to her room. Needless to say she was all manner of unclothed as she walked back to Jayne's bunk. About gave me a heart-attack."
"What is she wearing now?" Simon asked.
"She is wearing one of Jayne's shirts. I think the list ends there."
They were all silent and Kotoko scoffed in a tiff of disgust.
"Stupid girl. Should have turned herself in a long while ago."

"River! What'ryou wearin'?!"
Jayne about got the wind knocked out of him as he woke up to a half naked River in his room. Her hair was wavy from letting down her braided pigtails. Because she slept in them, her hair was frizzy and all bed-head like. She had on his shirt of the blonde in the red with stars over her nipples. Of course it was too big for her so one side that was supposed to fit on her shoulder was drooping down showing her milky skin. She wasn't wearing no underclothes - and the shirt was just long enough to cover what she didn't want seen. Well, in the front anyway. If she dared to turn around Jayne would have seen the curves where her legs met her cute little ass.
Needless to say he was more than a little excited waking up to something that arousing. He bunched the blankets around between his legs so she wouldn't do no more pointin' and wondering what in the world his crotch was doing all growing like it was.
"Shirt with a provocative image...it's no good? Jayne doesn't like?"
River pouted and leaned over to sit on the bed and apologize. But the way Jayne reacted you would think that River had some sort of flesh eating disease. As soon as her bare tosh touched the matress Jayne scrurried onto the farthest corner away from her. His head hit the wall and he bit his lip down hard he almost thought it might bleed. All of those thoughts about cold and ice and frozen came flooding back to him. Where was that stupid sister-clinging leach to tell her not to do this kind of shit? All seductioning him like she was. Making his member ache and swell and - oh god, when she leans over I can just...see....down her. Eyes shut. Closed. No. Un-happy place. Un-happy place. Not here. Not here. No River. No boobs. Boobs. No! No boobs! Cute little handful-like breasts...mmm. NOO! No boobs, Jayne!
"Is Jayne sick?" River asked concerned, sneaking out a hand to touch Jayne face that was steadily growing red and a sweat covered.
"Don't touch me."
"Aww...it's alright. River is a robot she can't catch it, let me just take your temperature."
Jayne tried his hardest to back away, sink into the wall. Escape. Evade. He didn't want to do anything to her that he didn't want to. Not her. Maybe some cheap whore or something. But she was so cute and caring and innocent. Not River.
"Ahh! River stop!"
She was crawling almost on top of him just to touch his forehead and get an accurate temperature reading. She was saying calmly for him to stay still, which he didn't. The whole time he was scrambling to try and escape her petite figure, the blanket was slipping away from his body, exposing his erection. His hands were gripping tight onto her wrists as she tried to touch his forehead. All amount of her naked little crotch scooting its way towards him made him want to cry out for some kind of help.
"Well now..."
They both turned to see Mal watching their little wrestle with his arms crossed and narrow-slit eyes of anger. River of course was all smiley, telling the captain how she was just checking to make sure Jayne wasn't sick. And Jayne was tossing her to the other side of the bed and yanking the covers out from under her. With the sudden jerk from under her, River tumbled onto the floor. Jayne bunched up the blankets around his legs and just looked over at the captain.
Jayne's shirt was drenched with all the avoiding he was trying to do and all the heatedness he was feeling for River. But he knew that the Captain didn't care a bit about the first part. The part that mattered. The trying to get away part. Which took every fiber of Jayne's being to ignore her little naked body covered in nothing but a little bit of cotton.
"Jayne says he is sick sir. I think we should tell the doctor man Simon to make him all better. River couldn't even get an accurate temperature reading," she chuckled.
"I'll bet. Here, these are some clothes that Kaylee is gonna let you borrow. We are taking you shopping for some clothes of your own today."
Mal handed River some clothes, and passed a very angry glare over to Jayne. Jayne pouted in a kind of "ah shit" manner, cause he knew that explaining the situation that Mal walked in on was gonna be less than fun.
"Yeah. So you don't have to borrow no clothes. Or wear none of Jayne's stuff. The crew agreed to chip in a little for ya to get a whole wardrobe. The cargo we sold before those Reaver's came was worth a little something. And since you did save our skins and all, pardon the pun, we decided to thank you for it."
"Jayne gave River a big thank you last night!"
Dead. That was what Jayne was going to be. A cold and mangled dead man. The girl didn't think about what she said or how she said it. And now Mal's idea of what she said would go straight to smut, provided the scene that he walked in on.
"How charming. Now get changed into those clothes and go see the others. They are gonna take you out to town."
"Can't Jayne come too?" River asked happily.
"No. Jayne's really sick. Can't have him up and about right now. Now can we, Jayne?"
Mal turned to Jayne with a sarcastic smile and a crooked glance. Jayne sighed and grumbled, "No."
River pouted and dropped the clothes, crawling along the bed to go over and hug the trembling Jayne. Just stay still. Very very still. Ignore the arms wrapped around you. They aren't there. Neither is the smile she just gave you. It was all an allusion. Frozen. Statue. Still. No River. No nakedness as she is changing behind Mal. Mal who is staring you down. Focus on the pattern of the blanket. Wow what a pretty pattern. That's right, a pretty naked pattern. No! Not naked. Pretty. Not naked.
Jayne swallowed hard and looked up into the flashing warning signs glaring in Mal's eyes, "Yeah Mal?"
"I'm not even gonna let you explain. I don't much wanna hear it. I'm gonna do you a favor and not even mention this to the rest of the crew."
"But Mal you don't understand! I didn't - " Jayne started, River skittering up the ladder to go see the others. Mal cut him off and simply told him that for punishment he had to do all the chores on the ship while the other's were gone. That way it would keep his mind a little more focused. In the mean-time Mal was going to get all of Lawrences stuff cleared out of the extra passengers room so that River could sleep there. No Jayne allowed.

River was back from shopping with bags and bags of clothes. Everybody was all smiles, Kaylee especially. Kaylee was extra excited because River got some of the cutest outfits, and the two of them were about the same size. River had gone back, before they left to go shopping, to nab Jayne's hat to cover her ears. It was brought to her attention that she must be discreet because she was wanted by the Alliance in a bad way. And although Mal had chosen the safest planet with the lowest amount of security by the Alliance, he still wanted to make extra sure.
He even had Inara put some makeup on River to make her look stunningly beautiful. She did look somewhat older, and some of her features were exaggerated. It was amazing what Inara could do. River didn't even look like her usual innocent self. She looked more sophisticated and womanly. But when she flashed those pearly whites, everyone could see the inner self shining out. Simon was even smiling as they shopped.
River was full of glee because they walked around the whole shopping area for the perfect things on sale. She was so amped, but everyone else was exhausted. Zoe and Wash were going up to their room to 'relax'. And Kaylee had smiled to herself the whole way back, laying her head on Simon's shoulder. And as they all wandered off for their rest, River was just happy to be back on the ship. That meant she could see Jayne. She couldn't wait to show him all of the outfits she had gotten.
She rushed off to Jayne's bunk. But when she looked for him there she saw nothing. Where was he? He would be back soon for sure. He couldn't stay out of bed long being sick and all. She changed into a white dress with red lines outlining the frilly edges along the bottom, the sleeves, and the collar. The red on top strung through and tied to cover her chest.
She giggled as she twirled in the mirror. It was her favorite pick from the day. She had even gotten it for one third of the asking price because the guy said it was the last one left and nobody fit it. He was so angry because it had to be off the rack so that they could fill in another style that very night. He said that her petite size would do it justice. Lucky her.
She looked around the room, tugging on the red string on Jayne's hat. Still no Jayne. But she did see that where Jayne scambled to move away from her earlier there was now an orange book with silver binding holding it together. It was peeking out from under the mattress. She walked over and sat on the bed, tugging the orange notebook free. She opened the front page to a vey abrupt message telling her to stop reading his journal. But she smiled. Jayne wouldn't mind.
She skimmed the book, numbers of women, no real journal entries to speak of.
On one page Jayne had two rows of names. The first one was names of whores and little numbers beside them 1-10. And the names that got above a 6 made it to the other list labeled "Guns." River raised her brow, although the thing had a system, she didn't understand the initial point. She tossed the book down to the other side of the bed. Jayne wasn't that easy to understand. He wouldn't have everything about himself spelled out in black and white.
She fished around the same area and found a pencil case and Jayne's wallet. Inside his wallet it was pretty empty. He had a few dollars and a few ident cards. Some of them were fake.
In the pencil case was only two pens. One was pretty plain, although it looked like he stole it from someone who could have afforded it - and the other was a really cheap looking pen in the shape of a woman. Her hair was the eraser and her heel was the pen tip. She was wearing really skimpy clothes and had enormous breasts.
River rubbed her thumb over the huge plastic boobs and then looked down to herself. No comparison. Her eyes wandered over all of the woman posted above Jayne's bed. All the same - huge like the plastic girl in her hand. Not like River. Not small. She felt a pang of something she didn't understand. She felt somehow upset about something. Nothing she could explain of course, but it felt like a glitch. She put the pen back in the case and set it with the notebook and wallet.
She then found a package of condoms in a little metal box. She tossed them behind her and pulled out two magazines that were under the box. The characters were in chinese and she raised a brow. Naked women. That was the theme throughout the magazines. She noticed that their boobs as well were quite large. But then she saw one girl, Miss Meow-Meow. She was tiny like she was, and was in a very provocative pose. River smiled in spite of it and told herself that she could be the kind of companion that Jayne wanted if she wished to.

Jayne was exhausted. Everyone was just coming back and he had been slaving for hours on end at all the chores that needed to be done. He was breathing heavily and completely worn out. Mal told him that he could go rest a while. Damn Mal. Damn him for walking in and not wanting Jayne to explain what exactly happened.
Uttering Korean curses about Mal all the while down to his bunk, he couldn't help but think about that morning. She was so nice and caring. Even asked the captain if he could come. She was the most adorable thing, and she was always so concerned about him. But why? He really never gave her a reason or anything. Not that he minded or anything - he thought it was great. And he did love to make her smile. That smile was worth any amount of chores he had to do. Except that one with the septic vac. That was just wrong.
He was drudging along tired-like and sank down into his bunk. All the wanted was some peace and - Ahh!
She was all made up with some of Inara's best cosmetics, his hat on her head, and her body was contorted in a very erotic pose. Her lips were parted and her come-hither eyes were done up in all amounts of make-up making her look delicious. Jayne was suddenly awake, in more places than one. Damnit he needed a time-out. This girl had done this twice in the same day and it hadn't even gotten dark yet.
"Jayne...this is what she is doing," River pointed to a glossy page from his favorite porn mag. Jayne growled and walked over there, yanking the magazines and slipping them back where they belonged. River looked startled and sat back up straight on her knees. She was watching as Jayne put everything back that she got out. He seemed to be calming himself down from the shock he felt as he came in seeing her there on the bed.
"Look here River, Mal said you are gonna sleep somewhere else from now on. So get all yer stuff and lets get you moved."
River had lost him, so she thought. He was mean and gruff Jayne again. And she pouted all the while she packed with his help - in silence.

"Who is Lady Pussy-Licious?"
Everyone stopped what they were doing, some almost choking on their food. They all looked to River, who asked the question like it was a completely normal question.
"What, dear?" Mal asked.
"I saw her on Jayne's wall. And although her name is interesting in it's use of alliteration, I cannot agree completely with her title. The clothes she was wearing did not show her to be any amount of lady-like."
"Huh..." Mal said with a glance over to Jayne. He ate another pod of sea-salted edamame.
"The Lady that you refer to happens to be a deity," Wash smiled.
"A deity...then Jayne must be a really religious man to have all those pictures of other deity-looking ladies on his wall," she giggled joyously.
"Indeed," Kaylee smiled.

M, the Literary Lemming: Rayne - With Her Thighsliterarylemming on July 1st, 2006 06:28 pm (UTC)
Hee! I'm loving this story! :) Poor befuddled Jayne.
-=Bagel Luvs You=-: raynedoublebagelwhore on July 1st, 2006 08:03 pm (UTC)
im so happy that you are enjoying it! ^-^
i know, Jayne just isn't getting any easy situations with River, lol
(Deleted comment)
-=Bagel Luvs You=-: raynepretendbagelwhore on July 1st, 2006 08:04 pm (UTC)
i know, but that is the essence of Rayne - complication
and so it is with men like Jayne
and persocoms like River
(although it does make for great laughs ^o^)
princatprincat on July 1st, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)
This is fun! Jayne just can't catch a break :)
-=Bagel Luvs You=-: raynedoublebagelwhore on July 2nd, 2006 01:42 pm (UTC)
hehehe, isn't it sad/hi-larious! ^0^
{creating singularities of AWESOME!}: jayne's bunkfairandbright on July 2nd, 2006 04:59 am (UTC)
*sigh* Dontcha hate it when Jayne's trying to be good and is pushing her away, and then Mal shows up and it's all Jayne's fault?

*shakes head*

*pets Jayne*

Poor Jayne!
-=Bagel Luvs You=-: rayneXbagelwhore on July 2nd, 2006 01:43 pm (UTC)
I know, I know
but nobody would suspect that innocent little River would do anything wrong
thats why in some ways she is a good asset
and then in stories like this it is just a pain in Jayne neck
Bugchicklv: Jayne Cobbbugchicklv on July 2nd, 2006 05:11 am (UTC)
OMFG! A diety! LMAO!!!!!!

Love this chapter more than words can say. And a befuddled, horny Jayne is a delight to behold (I take perverse pleasure in seeing/reading him squirm)!
-=Bagel Luvs You=-: rayneibagelwhore on July 2nd, 2006 01:45 pm (UTC)
I loved that ending myself
I'm glad that someone liked it too! lol

I think that Jayne doesn't get any squirming room in the series or the movie
He is all tough and rugid (part of his charm)
But there is nothing like watching a grown man act like a child when things get a little too much than he can handle ^0^